[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
guys I’m going home
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared