Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
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Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.