[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing