Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.