Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
😩😩😩
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
This is not me but this is me
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”