Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”