GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.