Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁