Gross if literal…Liverpool
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
A man of commitment.
i love modern commerce
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Bobby pin
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Perfect.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life