Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The internet is full of many things
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.