Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol