Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*