GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.