[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
🤣🤣🤣
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Eating my way out of the ball pit.