ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal