“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Is fake venison called venisn’t
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*