Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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#FunnyLife Insects
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Pat is about to own someone
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?