[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You Might Also Like
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Does it…does it take 3 days
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already