*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”