Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
this isn’t threatening at all
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….