Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
You Might Also Like
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.