[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨