[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.