[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.