Grow up never but we old may grow we
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Children of the Corn Man
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do