Grow up never but we old may grow we
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results