Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?


“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*


I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards


If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.


Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.


Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..


One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.


My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife