Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
You Might Also Like
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Meeeee too!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
next question.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary