Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Greeting humans vs their dogs
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Can’t. Being lazy.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
i smell a pulitzer
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.