Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.