Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My kitchen overserved me.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.