Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Morning.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.