Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee