Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.