Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.