Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”