*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.