Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.