Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
the greatest twitter interaction
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”