Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother