* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
monday
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[eulogy]
line?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.