gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
How all things should be taught/explained.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.