Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
man i love columbo
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.