Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
absolute chaos
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.