Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.