Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I鈥檓 trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you鈥檙e having this communication issue?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If you can鈥檛 say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
i made a craigslist ad !
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I鈥檒l be wearing them out
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe