Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Worlds greatest photobomb
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’m listening
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
me before I type out affect or effect
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.