Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
She: I like Cats
He:
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
(Jupiter –
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.