Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Spring of Deception
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.