Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
just leave it at the foot of the bed