Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I can also cook 😂
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.