“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
You Might Also Like
absolute chaos
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
why would tinder want me to say this
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
as is their right
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.